IT’S YOUR
MOVE: THE ATTITUDE HAND
An excerpt from the new book, It’s Your
Move: Dealing Yourself the Best Cards in Life and Work, by Cyndi Maxey and
Jill Bremer, Financial Times Prentice Hall, 2003.
Energized by her decision to start her own
recruiting business, Linda called a former coworker who still worked at the
agency where Linda had worked fifteen years ago. Expecting her friend to be
happy and supportive, Linda was surprised when, instead, her friend
cautioned her against it. The economy was awful, business was down, and
hiring was also down. Linda had hoped her former employer would be her first
client, but now her hopes were dashed. As the day continued, she called
other old contacts; many said they were afraid for their own jobs and
remarked how brave she was to be starting out on her own. Between each call,
she would take a deep breath, drum up a smile in her voice, and proceed.
After all, this was her dream, her goal! Finally, around 4:30 PM, after
several forwarding numbers, she contacted Joe, an engineer she had placed
years ago on a development project. Joe had been busy. He now owned his own
engineering firm, and yes, he would love to talk to her about recruiting,
because he didn’t have anyone who could devote enough time to it. Thrilled,
Linda set the appointment to meet with Joe the next week.
Like Linda, you too, could have faced a day
when nothing seems to go right. You forget to set your alarm. You spill
jelly on your shirt. You get all the red lights on the way to work. You
arrive to find you’re late for the early bird meeting. Later, on voice mail,
your internist’s nurse has called to say that the doctor would like to
schedule more tests. Then your supervisor steps in to say, ”Due to cutbacks,
we’d like you to take on Donald’s workload this week until we figure
something else out.” Or worse, “I’m sorry, but due to cutbacks, we’re not
going to be able to keep you on.”
How, you could be wondering, can I possibly
have a positive attitude at the end of a day like that? Or maybe you’re
remembering a day that was much like it. Actually, it’s not as difficult as
it seems to adjust your attitude if you can get in the habit of taking
specific mental, physical, and even verbal actions throughout the day.
Embrace Change
Change is like the weather. No climate on
earth is totally predictable. When you were little and a rainy day ruined
your play, your mother said to you, “Cheer up. You can’t do anything about
the weather.” You’d go outside and splash in puddles or play inside with
your toys. Now that you’re bigger, are you still able to cheer up when
change ruins how you want to play? Do you adapt as quickly? Change is often
unpredictable, so your best choice is to embrace it as your mother taught
you. Turn a cloudy, rainy day into opportunity.
Transitions at work and in life cause some
people to spin out of control, but other people don’t let that happen. In
fact, one trait of a successful executive is to manage change and
transitions well. You don’t have to be an executive, though, to observe
what’s going on around you, make mental notes, and come up with a personal
plan to get you through.
If you’re out of work and want to be
employed, you’re probably an active soul-searcher; change is a part of your
day now. You’re considering things that you may not have considered before.
If you’re a Baby Boomer, you may be feeling a bit like a “has-been.” Maybe
it’s just time for your “second calling,” and, if so, you can follow the
lead of many who’ve found happiness in second careers later in life.
If the idea of change makes you feel
stressed, remember that most stress in your life is caused internally - by
your own perceptions of and reactions to life’s events. Only a handful of
major life crises - death, injury, or illness - are external stressors. In
other words, your judgment of a situation is what creates most of your
stress. Managing your response to life’s challenges takes discipline and
often lots of self-talk so that you can keep them in perspective.
Allow Failure
When people are asked what they’ve learned
most in life, they’ll frequently say things such as, “I wish I’d committed
to my passion sooner,” or “I shouldn’t have listened to the people who said,
I couldn’t do it.” If you are employed, you know that in your job, you are
constantly being evaluated. If you aren’t employed, others judge you on a
daily basis in different ways: What are you doing with your life? Do they
agree with what you’re doing? How do you measure up? People will always
judge other people; it’s in their human nature to do so. It helps them make
sense of the world. It’s a given: you will fail to measure up to someone
else’s expectations at some point. That’s all right. If you want to be
better at failing, you simply have to adjust your attitude.
Perhaps you’ve heard the adage, “He who never
makes a mistake probably isn’t doing anything.” Top salespeople don’t close
every prospect; top athletes don’t win every game. People who are able to
allow failure in their lives without being paralyzed by it are busy people.
They have so many places to go and so many things to try!
One of the most difficult things parents do
is watch their child fail at something, but lessons learned from failure are
some of the most meaningful ones. The same is true for adults. Failures
should be seen as gifts. Great things can come from failure – character
development, self-confidence, and innovation. Mistakes are often big wins in
disguise.
Forget Perfection
Actually, what is perfect? Have you managed
the perfect project? Have you raised perfect children? Is your marriage
perfect? Is your job perfect? Why do we perpetuate the myth that we have to
be perfect to be successful? If you’re employed, you can easily get caught
up in the stress of your workplace to make perfect decisions. If you’re at
home, you can get caught up in the stress of whether you’re managing your
home according to standards others have that aren’t really yours.
You get caught up in unreal life rules like
these:
- I must never fail.
- I must always look smart.
- I must work very hard at all times.
- I must never get angry.
- I must always look thin and attractive.
- I must always play it safe.
Perhaps you learned these rules as a child,
directly or indirectly. Incorporating them into your value system only sets
you up for stress. You can’t possibly live up to these rules; instead you
run away from people and problems; you become aggressive; you remain
passive. If family or friends who seem to demand perfection surround you,
talk to them about how those standards affect you. Let them know if you feel
more stressed than challenged by their standards. They won’t know how
they’re affecting you unless you tell them. In fact, authority figures such
as managers or parents often share how difficult it is to find the right way
to create a motivating climate for those they care about. Not knowing what
else to do, they often end up modeling behaviors that their own managers or
parents used with them. Traditions die hard.
Real life rules are more like this:
- You can’t have everything.
- Things won’t always go your way.
- Life is unfair.
- Some people will never understand you.
- You can’t please everyone.
Strive to follow the real life rules and
forget the unreal ones. You’ll be much happier more of the time.
If you’re in a new situation, start asking
questions right from the very beginning. Don’t assume that you’re the only
one who doesn’t know. Chances are, the right questions haven’t been asked in
a long time. Many times, people don’t ask questions because they think it
makes them look less skilled or knowledgeable. Consider this: Highly
esteemed lawyers have been paid to ask good questions for centuries.
Find out as much as you can about the people
with whom you interact. Know what they typically expect. Who is a stickler
for details? Who thinks in big pictures? As you get to know others, you’ll
be less concerned about being perfect and more concerned about adapting to
their specific needs in different ways. The focus will be where it should
be: on them, not on you. As you build relationships, mention your past
experiences and prior knowledge, such as, Kate, I’m looking forward to
hearing about your work with ABC Office Products; I used to know someone
there. Or Joe, I heard about your new venture award. Congratulations. Small
gestures or compliments usually can’t hurt if they’re short and sincere.
You’re establishing yourself as a real person – a person with a life, a
past, flaws, and lessons learned along the way.
If you’re in a situation with a demanding
boss or manager, remember that perfection is rarely a manager’s ultimate
goal. Overall, your manager knows you’re not perfect. Your manager just
wants you to make his or her job easier and meet production goals. Managers
don’t want to be embarrassed, and they want to be able to give employees
feedback easily. Instead of thinking about perfection, think about how you
can take initiative. What can you add to your to-do list that will make you
more valuable? Seeking feedback is one of the strongest messages that you
can send that you are confident in what you do. You can say something like;
I know you want to meet your objectives, so here are some issues I am
wrestling, or I need your help with this project if we’re going to meet the
deadline that I know is important to you. If you confront difficulties with
your boss, it’s hard to let a negative attitude fester.
Honest feedback and understanding also hold
true for parents at home with children. Each child is different; you can’t
be the perfect parent in one broad stroke. Perfectionism and child rearing
just don’t blend well. In fact, children can teach you a thing or two about
the freedom that lies in creative failure and mistakes. As the adult, you’re
the one who can most easily say you’re sorry or that you made a mistake. A
key in eliminating perfectionism is owning up to your errors and working
together to move forward.
If you’d like to learn more about how to
create a positive attitude, build visibility, create style, develop balance,
listen effectively, and more, look for It’s Your Move in bookstores or at
http://www.bremercommunications.com/image_site.htm
© 2004 Cyndi Maxey and Jill
Bremer. All rights reserved. |
